The Suicide

December 1, 2011

Years ago, my grandfather a minister within the churches of Christ, preached a sermon about suicide. This service was publicized in the local paper, radio, and on the television and to no one’s surprise, when the night came, the pews were full.

All these years later, my heart breaks as I think about a woman in a neighboring county who took her own life over the weekend.

I wish I could have talked to her. I wish I could have sat with her and reminded her of the day her children were born.

I wish she could have heard their first cries again.

I wish she could have counted their little toes and sang them another lullaby.

I would have watched for as long as she wanted to rock them for the first time all over again.

I wish she could have heard that first laugh and saw how their faces lit up when she walked in the room to pick them up from their afternoon nap.

I wish I could have walked with her as she took each of them to their first day of school or heard them talk about their day when it was over.

I would have held her hand during the crazy teen years to let her know that she wasn’t alone. I would have related my own hectic time raising teens just to let her know that someone else had been there.

I wish I could have shown her the future.

That day in May when the world celebrates their Mother’s. I wish she knew how much her children dreaded that day.

I would show her the empty seat at the birthday parties, the Christmas’, Thanksgivings, and weddings.

I wish I could tell her how badly her daughters would need her when they had their first child.

I’d laugh with her as we’d watch her grandchildren playing at the park.

I’d show her the valleys that we all walk through and then hold her hand when we reached the mountain. I would tell her that there is hope. There is always hope.

I would tell her over and over that there was nothing so horrible that she had done or nothing so awful that had been done to her that could keep her from the love of her God.

I would be sure not to judge, preach, or throw Bible verses in her face.

I would hug her and let her know that life is never void of problems. I’d let her know that the journey is hard and stressful. It’s more difficult alone though. With God, it’s manageable. Not perfect. Not easy, but manageable.

I would pray for her. I would pray with her and I would do anything and everything in my power to help her.

But I can’t.

I can’t change the decision she made over the weekend.

There aren’t any words to utter that might make this more bearable for her parents, her children, or her husband.

There is nothing now except a raw, festering wound where her family’s hearts once were. Time will ease the pain but the hurt will stay forever.

I just wish I could have told her that.

Entry Filed under: death,hopeless,suicide. Posted in  death ,hopeless ,suicide .



5 Comments Add your own

  •    JD  |  December 1st, 2011 at 2:22 pm     Reply

    Beautifully written Paula. Such a helpless feeling.

  •    commonsenseprovidence.com  |  December 1st, 2011 at 2:29 pm     Reply

    Paula, this is a really touching post. Suicide is one of the hardest things to deal with and I really appreciate you sharing your feelings on a subject no one ever wants to talk about. If more people had this attitude, more people were willing to help, I think the rate would be much lower.

  •    Mike S. Allen  |  December 2nd, 2011 at 12:25 am     Reply

    Heartfelt and thoughtful, Paula. Thank you. I have a friend who regularly participates in community walks for an organization that tries to make a difference, the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (www.outofthedarkness.org).

  •    Bill Williams  |  December 4th, 2011 at 5:58 am     Reply

    I’m deeply appreciative to you, Paula, for this excellent article. You obviously poured your heart into this. I believe it has the potential of helping people who are considering suicide. With your permission, I’d like run this as a guest piece at the spiritual oasis. Blessings to you and yours.

  •    jdh2010  |  December 6th, 2011 at 4:41 am     Reply

    “I wish I could have shown her the future.”

    It is so sad that people become entangled with their sadness in a present situation that they loose sight of the future. Had she been able to climb above her hopelessness, she might have seen important truths.

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